Waiting on Cupid

I'm not going to lie, since my last update, things have been a mess. A mess and a half.

I finally got my husband to admit that the reason we haven't been intimate is because of my weight and my diet (I have been eating meat, and he's a vegan, and, basically, it disgusts him to the point that he doesn't want to fuck me. Never mind that I ate meat the first year or so we dated, and he was well aware of it. But apparently it's different now because we're married). 

This all came out literally minutes before I had to leave for my first therapy appointment yesterday. Oh, Lord, that woman has her work cut out for her, but she was lovely, and really got to the core of my issues right off. I really felt like she understood me. 

I CRIED SO MUCH YESTERDAY THAT MY EYES ARE STILL SWOLLEN TODAY.

My therapist said we would deal with my husband later. We are going to work on me first.

And, yeah, that is kind of the problem. I've been so caught up in taking care of my husband over the past year or two--he's had all sorts of health issues and even had surgery in December. Plus earlier in 2019 he had a few ER trips in a row and there were MONTHS of doctor appointments trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. We got a few of his problems solved, but other issues are things he will just have to live with.

So I agreed to stop eating meat again and to work on getting back in shape (I am not promising weight loss. I will work on getting my fitness level up. I have an eating disorder and consciously trying to lose weight will mean obsessive behavior like weighing myself daily or more than daily and counting my calories while trying to lower my count every day. Trust me, this isn't my first rodeo.)

BUT HE HAS TO DO IT TOO. He maintains it's not just my weight that makes him not want to have sex, but his weight (this is actually the line that he's been feeding me for the past several years. And he's always said it was more about him than me until yesterday.)

Okay, seriously didn't mean to go off about my marriage, but that's what's going on. I'm getting back to the point, I pinky promise. He asked me why I haven't dated anyone--apparently, he really wants me to. I think it takes the pressure off him, and he feels like then he doesn't have to perform or pay attention to me. 

Yes, yes, I know some want to know why I stay. Well, he wants me to stay, or so he keeps saying. I already failed at one marriage, and I'm not keen on having another failed marriage. I also knew his feelings about meat before I married him, and that's why for the first several years of our relationship I was vegan, vegetarian and then pescatarian for a while. I started eating meat about six months ago when we got the dog and I was cooking it for her, and then my sons came home from college and are suddenly with me every other week, and I cook it for them. So, that's what happened there. 

I do love him, and I'm willing to make some sacrifices. He has made sacrifices too that we won't go into, but suffice it to say he made a really big sacrifice to be with me. Bigger than giving up meat.

And then on a more practical level, I really do enjoy this working for myself thing. I wouldn't be able to do that anymore if I left him. I'd have to work for the man again. And I hate working for the man. So that's a very big incentive to stay. Plus, like I said, I really do love him. 

Okay, so all of that just to say that I rejoined OKCupid last night. It's not a great time to start dating, but I will say I'm impressed with how many more poly/nonmonogamous people are on there than the last time (2-3 years ago) I tried it. I am slammed with messages right now, though the best candidates are always in the bigger cities (so 2 hours from me minimum). But maybe I can chat with a few people and meet up in the coming months if restrictions start to lift (or maybe we will all end up back inside again, who knows? Ugh)

I do find that men on Cupid are more likely to have photos (and no dick pics, yay!) and more likely to have their profiles filled out. So that is definitely a step in the right direction. And I can see their height and smoking/drug use status right up front, which is something I can't do on Fet. And I always hate having to ask. 

I'll let you know how things go!