Last Blog of 45

I turn 46 in three days. 

I met my husband when I was 36. It's hard for me to believe that's been almost ten years ago. What a wild and crazy roller coaster of a decade!

Well, I have nothing on the poly dating front to share with you, to be honest. I'm still talking to a couple guys but haven't met anyone and won't until I return from a trip to my Homeland (leaving in the morning.)

I had a therapy appointment this week, my fourth one? I think? I walked in there feeling pretty damn good, actually. Then my therapist got me talking about my family, due to my impending trip, and the waterworks started up.

OMG my family is really fucked up, y'all.

I mean, I knew that, of course. But telling my therapist about some of the stuff that happened to me growing up, some of the things my mom said about my body.... It's like I couldn't even smooth it over and pretend like it was normal or I deserved to be treated like that. I do that a lot--make excuses for other people's bad behavior toward me. And I didn't even tell my therapist how I was raped at 14 and then when I finally told my mother (only because she demanded to know why I thought it was "okay" to lose my virginity, so I snapped back that it wasn't by choice) she blamed me. SHE BLAMED ME FOR LETTING MY RAPIST INTO THE HOUSE. 

Whew. Didn't mean to have an outburst there.

Anyway, going home is always emotional for me. I am pretty good at repressing all that stuff when I'm 750 miles away. My therapist told me to speak to the little girl I was when my body first started changing and my mother body shamed me.

I told her it was okay for her to be different. That she didn't have to conform to anyone else's ideals. She only had to be who she WAS, who she was MEANT to be.

The person I am now on the cusp of turning 46 is the person I was meant to be. I feel that in my bones now, and I'm done done done with letting other people control how I feel about myself. 

The past few days have brought additional clarity because I've been alone. My husband went to visit his dying father, alone this time. We were just there last month, but he had the opportunity to go by himself while I got everyone else ready to leave for the Homeland. He'll join us there later. I'm glad he's getting more time with his dad and...

Alone was really good for me. I had a heart to heart with myself. And I'm better for it.

I know some of you are probably wondering how my marriage has been going since my husband gave me the ultimatum of losing weight and giving up meat if I wanted to have sex with him again. I decided to do it--well, I didn't promise him weight loss as that is very much against my belief system, but I told him I'd work on getting more fit and healthy. I'm now walking over an hour a day. My body has changed a little. My diet has changed a lot. I definitely have more stamina. We're having sex again. Twice last week, actually, right before he left. Maybe he wanted me to miss him, I don't know.

I still want to meet someone. I would love to have a boyfriend. I feel like I have so much to give, and sometimes it doesn't feel like my husband wants all of it. Like he would prefer being left alone a lot of the time, I think. So I hope I can find someone who wants some of this 46-year-old self-actualized, sexpositive Phoebe action LOL. Maybe someone I'm talking to now?