It's Not About You

So, nothing major has happened since my last update. I'm still talking to several different men, met one in person last week, and that went well, but I'm honestly not sure I believe he has an arrangement with his wife. He's been a little evasive, but that's not what this post is about.

This post is about me and how in the past couple of weeks I haven't felt like having sex. I mean, that's great in my regular home life since my husband hardly ever wants to (I think he actually did once last week, but it was apparently so lackluster that I don't even remember it!)

If you've been paying attention, you might have noticed there are a lot of things going on: a global pandemic, a close and probably contested election, and in my personal life I have a father-in-law dying of cancer and about one million projects to complete (give or take a few.)

These things have contributed to being in somewhat of a libido slump. Hell, I haven't even masturbated in a week now.

This always tends to coincide with depression/melancholia and has happened a lot more in the past three to five years of my life than ever before. I think I even blogged about this earlier.

But even that is not the point of this post.

The point is that because I profess to be a highly sexual being and someone with a high sex drive, I am expected to be in that state all the time. When I tell partners I don't feel like sex, I almost invariably get this response:

But you're so sexy!

I literally needed to explain to someone today that just because others view someone as sexy does not, in fact, make that person feel like having sex.

In other words, it's not about you, dumbass.

Why do men think like this? I'm not talking about one or two, I'm talking about DOZENS giving me this shit over the past several years. 

And, the very worst part of it is that once I tell them I'm not in the mood or don't want to make a date, or I have been known to cancel a date a time or two because I'm not in the mood, it nearly always results in radio silence from them.

Is this not the very start of consent? I mean, if someone's not in the mood, they are not consenting. Clearly. And telling them that *you* find them *sexy* as if that should sway them is really coercive, in my opinion.

But radio silence, to me, implies that you only see me as a vessel for your own sexual satisfaction, not as a human you have connected with on multiple levels. And while I don't see anything wrong with relationships that are purely sexual, I NEVER lead others to believe that I'm down with that type of relationship. I always say I'm looking for a friend with benefits or polyamory, and the former implies FRIENDSHIP that goes beyond sex. The latter implies even stronger feelings/deeper connections.

So, anyway, just a little rant for today. I should be using these words for my nanowrimo project, but well, those characters seem to be holding their collective breaths waiting for the election results like the rest of the country--or world.

Till next time...